


I'll Be Just Fine (Pretending I'm Not)

by Tbiz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confident Alec Lightwood, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Magnus Bane, Shy Magnus Bane, Songfic, minor fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tbiz/pseuds/Tbiz
Summary: Magnus is head over heels in love with his best friend. But does Alec feel the same way, or will he forever be stuck, pretending he's fine, when all he's ever wanted, was for Alec to love him back?Each chapter is accompanied by an angsty song because this story is all angst - you have been warned! Though there is a happy ending...because everyone needs a happy ending after all this heartbreak!This story is also dedicated to the lovely PhoenixStar73 for her neverending love and support, and for her love of college/highschool AU's! <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Original Male Character(s), Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 75
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PhoenixStar73](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixStar73/gifts).



“It’s Valentine’s Day, you know,” Alec said, jolting Magnus out of his thoughts.

Magnus checked the time on his phone. February 14, 2011, 12:24 am

He looked back at his computer screen, which was currently filled with a brown-haired man with gorgeous blue eyes making faces at him. Alexander Lightwood. His best friend since high school. And Magnus had been secretly crushing on him, since high school.

Magnus’s swallowed dryly and nodded, his eyes never leaving the screen. He shrugged, trying to act normal while his heart pounded furiously in his chest. “And here we are, two single losers Skyping at 12 in the morning on Valentine’s Day.”

Alec threw his head back and laughed, and Magnus swooned. He could listen to Alec’s laugh all day. It was like music to his ears, and he wished he could record it so he could listen to it on repeat. Alec turned his attention away from the camera, and Magnus continued to stare at Alec, taking in the man’s beautiful features, the way his brows furrowed in concentration, the hint of a tongue sticking out of those lips as Alec focused on his assignment. He was wearing a pair of black thick-framed glasses, used to block out blue light. Alec only wore those when he was working on the computer, and Magnus loved Alec in glasses as well. It made him look intelligent and professional. Alec was always more mature than Magnus, even though he was a year younger than him. Magnus sighed.

They were both in college now, studying arts. Magnus was in the fine arts program, while Alec pursued graphic design. And although he was ridiculously talented, he worked diligently. Magnus watched as Alec worked, his hand on the mouse never stopping as his fingers flew across the keyboard.

Suddenly, Alec looked over at him and Magnus flushed.

“What are you doing?” Alec asked casually.

“U-um, browsing Facebook.” He lied, biting his tongue.

Alec smiled. “Nice.” He turned back to whatever he was working on. _Great Magnus,_ his brain chided him, _Alec is hard at work and you once again proved to him how lazy you are._

“And keeping you company, because I’m the best-est friend you could ever have.” Magnus blurted out.

Alec turned his attention back to the camera. “Thanks for keeping me company. On Valentine’s Day.” He smiled.

Magnus fiddled with his hands out of sight. He took a deep breath and looked at Alec. “Since we’re both as single as a lost chopstick, we can be each other’s Valentine’s then.”

Alec gave him a long look, and Magnus felt the heat rise in his cheeks. _Now you’ve done it, Magnus. Way to just go and break your friendship and make everything awkward now_.

Alec smiled. “Hold on a minute.”

Magnus watched as Alec’s camera turned blurry and he heard some shuffling in the background. Soon the screen was moved back and Alec was sitting on his bed, under the covers. Magnus’s breath hitched. Alec sat comfortably, leaning against his bed frame as his laptop was perched in front of him.

“The assignment can wait until tomorrow.” Alec took off his glasses and placed them off to the side. Magnus got lost momentarily in Alec’s sapphire blue eyes.

“I actually bought some chocolates. Was thinking of eating them myself.” The man smiled mischievously as he reached under his covers and pulled out a heart-shaped box.

“You bought Valentine’s chocolates for yourself?” Magnus looked incredulously at his best friend.

“Yeah, why not? I love chocolate.” Alec shrugged.

Magnus shook his head and smiled. “Yeah, but you didn’t need to get the fanciest heart-shaped box of chocolates, Alexander.” He rolled his eyes teasingly.

Alec feigned a look of hurt as he brought his hand up to his chest. “You wound me, Magnus.”

Magnus laughed. “Didn’t we just agree that we would be each other’s Valentine’s? Then that means you have to share it with me.” Magnus grinned but inside his heart was hammering away, waiting anxiously for Alec’s answer.

Alec looked deep in thought for a moment. Then he looked up, his ocean blue eyes piercing into Magnus’s. “okay, you can have this box of chocolates. I’ll give it to you tomorrow at school.”

Magnus sat stunned. He did not expect Alec to say that. Alec was looking at him, waiting for his answer. Magnus quickly recovered, flashing a big smile at his best friend. “YES! And that, my friends, is how you get a box of free chocolates.”

Alec’s face broke out into a big smile, and Magnus felt his heart blossom into warmth.

Magnus’s face was stuck in a permanent smile long after he shut off his computer. He laid down on his bed, his body thrumming with excitement and nerves as his brain made up all the different scenarios on what he would say when Alec gave him the box of chocolates tomorrow. He fell asleep, feeling giddy with happiness.

Magnus didn’t see Alec in his usual spot the next morning. His heart sank in disappointment as he dragged his feet to class. He pulled out his phone to see if there were any messages, but the blank screen reflected back at him mockingly. You’re such an idiot, Magnus. You just made a complete fool of yourself yesterday!

Lunch break came and went, and there was still no sign of Alec, and no text messages either. Magnus shifted his backpack over his shoulders as he walked to his next class, feeling dejected.

“Magnus!” a familiar voice called out and Magnus froze. He would recognize that voice anywhere.

Turning around, he came face to face with a tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed man. And in his hands, was the velvety heart-shaped box that he had seen last night on his computer screen.

“Sorry, I have to run but here's your chocolate!” Alec flashed him a big grin as he handed the box over to Magnus. Magnus smiled shyly as he took the box. Oh, even the box felt heavenly.

“Thank you, Alexander. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Magnus.” Alec returned the same smile. “But I really have to go now. See you!” He said as he turned and waved, running down the hall and leaving Magnus alone with the heart-shaped box.

Magnus ran a hand across the box. It was pillowy and it felt expensive. Smiling, he opened up the contents and was hit with a waft of sweet chocolates. He hugged the box close to his chest before placing it into his backpack and walking to class with a bounce in his step.

Magnus dropped his backpack onto the floor and flopped onto his bed. He cradled Alec’s chocolates to his chest and rolled around the bed like a teenage boy, smiling so hard his jaws hurt. He pulled out his phone to text Alec.

**MB: Thank you for the chocolates again, and for being my Valentine’s today, “Darling”.**

Magnus stared at his screen. Was this going overboard? Would Alec freak out?

He took a deep breath and pressed send before any more doubt could take over. He waited with bated breath for Alec’s reply.

**AL: HAHA. You’re most welcome, “Babe.”**

Magnus almost dropped his phone. His eyes widened as he read and reread the message. His face was burning up and his hands grew sweaty as he typed out a reply.

**MB: Anytime, hun.**

His heart pounded widely in his chest and all he could hear was the rushing blood in his ears. His feet tapped against the floor as he turned the phone over and over in his hands. But Alec never replied after that, and Magnus went to bed with a sadness in his heart.

Magnus awoke the next morning, feeling terrible. He checked his phone and saw a missed message from Alec. He had never unlocked his phone so fast in his life.

**AL: Good morning, hun. Did you sleep well?**

Magnus dropped his phone.

* * *

I'm sitting here all by myself/Just trying to think of something to do

Trying to think of something anything/Just to keep me from thinking of you

But you know it's not working out/Cause you’re all that's on my mind

One thought of you is all it takes/To leave the rest of the world behind

* * *

**AL: Hey babe, what are you up to?**

**MB: This assignment that’s due this Friday. I'm having the hardest time finishing it. I can’t wait until it’s over. :(**

**AL: :( Do you want to come over after class on Friday? We can watch a movie to relax.**

**MB: That sounds good. Thanks, darling.**

**AL: You’re welcome, hun.**

Magnus was screwed. He was completely and utterly screwed. This could not be healthy. This was not how best friends text each other. Heck, some couples probably don’t even text like this to each other. Magnus put his head in his hands and sighed. But he couldn’t stop. Each term of endearment that Alec sent his way made his heart leap up in joy. it made him breathless, and he wanted more and more. He was addicted. And he lived for it. All he could think about was the way alec’s eyes crinkled up when he smiled, and at night, those same blue eyes haunted his dreams. Magnus bane was head over heels in love with his best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Clothes get in the way of massages. They’re so annoying.” Alec whined as if it was a perfectly normal thing to be doing, having his hands underneath Magnus’s shirt.

“I give really good massages, you know.”

Magnus slowly turned his head to look at Alec. They were currently sitting on the couch, trying to figure out what to watch on Netflix. Magnus had a rough week, with 5 assignments all due at the same time, and he was honestly burnt out from it all. He had just willed himself to relax as he sank into Alec’s plush sofa in the small apartment when Alec suddenly sprang this tidbit on him, causing his entire body to tense up again.

“Don’t tempt me, Alexander. You know I’ve had a shitty week.” Magnus turned his head back to the tv screen, trying to act normal. His hands were shaking under the blankets, and he clenched them tightly into fists, trying to calm himself down.

“Then all the more reason try out my incredible massage!” Alec smirked as he flexed his arms, showing off. Magnus tried hard not to stare at Alec’s well-toned biceps.

“Come on, scoot over and lie on your back. I promise you won’t regret this.” Alec threw the blankets off and moved closer to him. Magnus swallowed hard, gingerly moved over to the end of the sectional sofa, and laid down on the chaise.

Alec sat down onto Magnus’s back without warning and Magnus gasped out in surprise. Soon, alec’s hands were on his shoulders and Magnus groaned out in appreciation.

“Dang, you weren’t lying. You really do know how to give a good massage.” Magnus closed his eyes, feeling Alec’s hands gently knead the knots out of his tense shoulders.

“I've helped my mom with massages ever since I was a kid, so I’ve done it lots,” Alec said quietly as he continued to work on Magnus’s shoulders.

Alec’s mom was not in the best of health, so it made sense that she would regularly need massages to relax from all the pain. Magnus nodded into the sofa. As if Alec couldn’t get any more perfect, he was also filial, and he had a heart of gold. Magnus was falling deeper and deeper in love with this man. He had unknowingly let it fester in his heart and now he was in too deep. There was no way of getting out of this one now.

Warm hands touched his cool skin, knocking Magnus out of his thoughts.

“A-Alec, what..??” Magnus’s eyes flung open, his entire body tensing up.

“Clothes get in the way of massages. They’re so annoying.” Alec whined as if it was a perfectly normal thing to be doing, having his hands underneath Magnus’s shirt.

Magnus’s brain went haywire. _What was Alec doing? Was he just using that as an excuse to touch him?_ Magnus’s breathing laboured. _Did that mean Alec wanted him as well...?_

Alec’s hand pressed into him in a circular motion, and all thoughts flew out of Magnus’s mind. All he could feel was alec’s hands, soft yet firm, easing away all the knots in his back. Those same hands slowly caressed up and down his back, leaving a burning trail as Magnus squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He pressed his face into the sofa, willing his blood not to travel south. 

Suddenly, Alec slid lower and was now perched on top of Magnus’s ass. Magnus bit his lip so he wouldn’t let out a sound as he felt the heat of Alec’s body radiate throughout him. Alec shifted, trying to get into a comfortable position, and Magnus felt - _no Magnus we’re not going there, we’re going to ignore what that was_ \- His face was bright red now and his hands were sweating profusely. Alec muttered something under his breath but Magnus didn’t catch it because all he could feel was Alec’s thighs straddling his ass, and Alec’s hands, lifting his shirt all the way up.

“Finally, that’s better,” Alec said triumphantly as he started to run his hands up and down along Magnus’s bare back. “See? This feels way better doesn’t it??”

“Y-yeah.” Magnus managed to squeak out before clamping his mouth shut. If he moaned it would be over. _People don't moan erotically when they get massaged by their best friends, Magnus._ Though to be fair, most people also don’t shove their hands under their best friend’s shirts and feel them up. Magnus shook his head. No, Alec was not that type of person. Alec just wanted Magnus to have a good massage, that was it.

But then Alec started to really massage Magnus’s back, and the broad movements caused the younger man on top of him to slightly rock forwards and backward. Magnus sucked in a deep breath and froze. He could have sworn Alec for a second deliberately rolled his hips against his ass. _No, no, no, Magnus, stop it! Stop thinking weird things!_

It was the longest massage Magnus had ever had in his entire life. When Alec finally moved off of him and gently rolled his shirt back down, Magnus let out a deep breath. Alec stretched and yawned, acting perfectly normal while Magnus still felt like his entire body was on fire.

Alec flopped down on the seat beside him, stretching and lying down as well. He turned to face Magnus, who was still lying on his stomach. Their faces were level and Alec’s blue eyes locked on to his. Magnus felt his breath hitch. Alec turned away to grab a blanket and pulled it over himself.

“Want to share a blanket?” Alec asked, and Magnus hated how the blue-eyed man would say things like that with a straight face. He hated how Alec would do things and it would send his entire body into turmoil while Alec would sit there, looking at him innocently with those goddamn blue eyes.

“Wait, I have to go take a leak first before the movie starts." And with that, the moment was broken as Alec got up and padded to the washroom. Magnus sighed heavily as he turned to lie on his back. He stared absentmindedly at the ceiling, trying to figure out just what was going on in Alec’s head.

* * *

I tried to read between the lines/I tried to look in your eyes

I want a simple explanation/For what I'm feeling inside

I gotta find a way out/Maybe there's a way out

* * *

Alec came back and threw a pillow at Magnus’s chest. Magnus groaned and threw it back lazily at his best friend. Alec then walked back to the sofa and pounced on him. Magnus gasped as Alec landed on top of him softly. The brown-haired man looked up at him from under lowered lashes, and Magnus’s heart skipped a beat.

Alec turned his head so it was now resting against Magnus’s chest. Magnus clenched his jaw painfully, trying hard to slow down his breathing and his beating heart. His mind was racing, trying to process what Alec was doing. This had to mean that Alec felt something for him too right? Or why else would he be taking every single opportunity to do stuff like this?

“What do you think?” Alec looked at him. Oh crap, he hadn’t been listening.

“I think I should take the job. After all, it’ll probably take about 3 days to do the initial draft, then..” Alec continued to talk, but Magnus’s mind drifted away again. How could he focus, when Alec was right there in front of him, lying on top of him, his face resting on his chest? And so Alec continued to talk, and Magnus continued to lie on the sofa, completely frozen.

When Alec finally moved off and laid down beside him, Magnus finally let out a breath. Alec was staring up at the ceiling, while occasionally glancing over at Magnus, and Magnus did the same. They stayed like that in comfortable silence, the sounds of their breathing echoing in the room.

Magnus fought with his brain the entire time. In a calculated move, he turned on his belly and threw a leg over top of Alec’s. He held his breath as he waited for the brown-haired man’s reaction. Alec just looked at him, a small smile dancing on the corner of his lips. And that was all it took for Magnus to throw half of his body over top of Alec, just as Alec had done before. He pressed his ear onto Alec's broad chest, listening to the soft thumping of the younger man's heart.

Magnus lifted his head up and placed his hand under his chin to support himself. He looked up at Alec just as Alec peered down at him. Their gazes locked, and Magnus gulped. He smiled because he couldn’t form any words, not when his brain was short-circuiting from the fact that he was currently lying on top of Alec. And Alec didn’t say anything as once again they just lay there on the couch, silently enjoying each other's company. Magnus absentmindedly traced patterns on Alec’s chest.

“What are you drawing?” Alec asked, his eyes narrowing curiously.

“Nothing.” Magnus hummed. He blushed as he realized he had been tracing out the words “Aku Cinta Kamu” across Alec’s chest. _No matter, Alec wouldn’t know what it was anyway_. He raised his head once again to look at his best friend, watching in awe as the warm glow of the sunset made Alec's blue eyes shimmer. Magnus reached out and gently traced the five o’clock shadow along Alec's jaw, completely mesmerized. Before he knew it, he had moved closer towards Alec’s face, and the next thing he knew, he was resting his head right up against Alec’s neck, his lips almost touching the smooth pale skin. Magnus suddenly jolted himself back. _Oh god, what had he done?_ He had let his emotions control him and he had almost ended up kissing his best friend. Magnus paled as he quickly pushed himself off Alec, pretending to yawn and stretch to cover up whatever it was he just tried to do.

“Woah look at the time. I’m sorry I wasted your entire evening.” Magnus laughed awkwardly, his eyes flickering around the apartment.

“It was good company,” Alec looked at him, his eyes crinkling as he smiled. That same smile. “You need a ride home?” He asked, but Magnus could tell the way the man was eyeing his desk that he still had work to get back to. Magnus felt a twinge of guilt for robbing Alec of his time, so he shook his head and quickly grabbed his coat before stumbling out of the apartment.

* * *

I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did

And I didn't mean to get so close/And share what we did

And I didn't mean to fall in love/But I did

And you didn't mean to love me back/But I know you did

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: Thunder by BoysLikeGirls  
> A Lonely September by Plain White T's
> 
> YESSSS Sensual massages anyone? ;) Let me know your thoughts and comments!!!! Shower me with your loveeee I will love you forever!! <3 <3 <3 Thanks so much for reading!!! ^0^


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec invites Magnus to spend a weekend with him at his childhood home.

“Do you want to come over to my summer house for the weekend?” 

Magnus didn’t know why he said yes. Oh that was a blatant lie. Of course he knew why he said yes. How could he say no? 

And so he found himself sitting in the passenger seat of Alec’s beat up red 2 seater Pontiac sunfire with his overnight bag in the trunk. 

“I cant believe you’ve never had a s’mores before.” Alec shook his head as he turned to look at Magnus.

Magnus shrugged. “I’m a city boy. And my parents never took me camping.“

“I cant believe you’ve never gone camping before either.” 

Magnus sank lower in his seat. Alec was born in a small town and lived on an acreage for most of his life. He knew how to milk cows, feed chickens, and ride horses. All Magnus knew was how to take public transportation in the busy streets of New York. They were from completely different worlds, and that fact would come up to the surface every so often and gnaw away at him.

Magnus was a bundle of nerves when Alec pulled off onto a dirt road lined by a dense forest. The country air was quite refreshing as he looked out the open window, taking in the beauty of nature.

“And we’re here.” Alec shifted into neutral and pulled up the parking brake. Magnus took in the big house that sat at the end of the dirt driveway. There were a couple trucks and trailers lined up along the side, and horses behind the fenced yard. Magnus looked in awe. _It was just like the movies!_ He had never been to an acreage before, and it was exactly how Alec had described it. Green pastures that stretched on for miles, the sweet smell of pine, and the sound of crickets. Magnus grabbed his bag from the trunk and followed Alec into the house.

A thin woman came to greet them at the door, and embraced Magnus in a tight hug. She then turned her attention to Magnus and gave him a warm smile. “Magnus, it’s so good to see you. It has been a long time!” She gave Magnus a tight hug as well.

“Hello Mrs. Lightwood. Thank you for having me here at your house.” Magnus greeted politely.

“About time! You are way overdue for a visit young man! And please, call me Maryse.” Maryse smiled warmly, her eyes twinkling just like Alec’s.

“Now Alec will show you to your room. Please dont pay any mind to the mess though, it was Alec’s childhood bedroom and I couldn’t bring myself to throw anything out, you know.” Maryse ushered them both inside the house.

“You have a beautiful home, Maryse.” Magnus took in the horse saddles that were hanging on the wall, along with photographs and beautiful paintings. It was warm, comforting, and it felt homey.

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to stay in your bedroom? Where are you going to sleep then?” Magnus asked as he stepped into a small bedroom. The room was lined with trophies and all sorts of memorabilia. A small desk sat in the corner, covered by a huge stack of papers.

“Ill be sleeping here with you.” Alec smirked. Magnus looked at the small twin bed and gulped. He felt a blush creeping up the back of his neck.

“Alec! Can you come out and help me with the barbecue?” Maryse called out, and Alec gave Magnus a quick smile before stepping out of the room.

Magnus sat down gingerly on the bed. It was soft and comfortable. He looked around the room, looking at all the things that made up Alec’s childhood. Alec never really spoke much about his childhood, and Magnus had only known him for a couple of years. There was just so much he didn’t know about the blue-eyed boy, and now he was sitting in Alec’s bedroom, on Alec’s bed. He felt overwhelmed at the intimacy of it all.

“Hey Magnus, you ready for some food?” Alec poked his head in the door. Magnus quickly scrambled up and nodded as they headed into the kitchen. Loud conversations could be heard as they neared the kitchen, and Magnus frowned.

“Magnus, Alec! Finally! Come and eat!” Maryse handed them a paper plate and Magnus felt his heartbeat quicken. Past the kitchen and out in the front yard, were a group of about 6-7 people.

“Magnus my boy! You’re looking too skinny. Are you not eating properly? I knew you weren’t getting real food in the city. Just look at you!” A man came up and clapped Alec on the shoulders. He then looked at Magnus. “And who is this?”

“That’s my friend Magnus, Uncle Ragnor. We go to the same college.” 

Ragnor looked at Magnus. “Well, well, how do you do, Magnus?”

Magnus was about to answer but a woman had come up toRagnor and he turned away. She gave a quick glance over and smiled politely at him.

“This here is Magnus, Alec’s friend from college.” Ragnor said to the woman. The woman nodded and extended a hand out to him. “I’m Catarina. Pleasure to meet you, Magnus.”

And soon they were all outside by the big bonfire, and Magnus was standing awkwardly off to the side, engrossed in his plate of food, because everyone else was busy conversing with one another.

Magnus had not expected a huge gathering. He had thought it would be just him, Alec, and his mother at the house. But it turned out it was just a regular weekend gathering for Alec. A couple people there at the house were Alec’s relatives, like Ragnor and Catarina, while others were neighbours and friends of Maryse’s. Alec made his way around the group, chatting animatedly with everyone as Magnus watched on. He had thought it would be a weekend where he could spend some quality time alone with Alec, but that didn’t seem to be the case. This was just a normal gathering for Alec, and Magnus was just a friend invited to a gathering of friends. That was it, and nothing more. He had gotten his hopes up for nothing. He laughed bitterly at himself. _You’re an idiot for thinking Alec liked you,_ his brain scoffed at him. His heart sank as he stared into the fire, feeling dejected and so very alone. His eyes watered, and he blamed it on the fire stinging his eyes. 

Alec came up to him and offered him a beer. Magnus shook his head. Alec just smiled and stood beside him, looking into the fire as well. He didn’t say a word, and Magnus came to the realization that Alec would never see him as anything more than a friend.

“Do you mind if I take a rest? I’m feeling a bit tired.” Magnus turned to look at Alec, trying to hide the pain that was slowly rising up in his chest.

Alec cocked his head to the side. “Yeah. Sure. You okay?” He asked, looking concerned.

Magnus forced himself to smile. “Yeah, of course! This place is awesome. I’m just tired, that’s all.”

Alec nodded. “Okay. I’ll be here if you need anything.”

Magnus smiled as he turned and walked back into the house. He grabbed a change of clothes and hopped into the shower. He stood under the warm shower, watching as his heart, along with his tears, washed down the drain. 

* * *

Hit me, knock me out/And let me go back to sleep

I can laugh/All I want inside I still am empty

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I

I'll be just fine/Pretending I'm not

I'm far from lonely/And it's all that I've got

* * *

Magnus didn’t come out for the rest of the night. He hid himself under the covers, hiding in shame and embarrassment. He heard a knock but he squeezed his eyes tight and ignored it. He knew he was acting like a child but he didn’t care. He did everything he could to get Alec to like him, and yet every time he thought that Alec reciprocated his feelings, it was all just wishful thinking on his part. He didn’t want to see Alec. Not right now.  


Soon, it was morning, and Magnus awoke, not realizing he had fallen asleep. The pain in his chest was still there as he got up and brushed his teeth. He looked himself in the mirror at his pitiful self. _How did he ever think that Alec would like a loser like him?_ He padded silently down to the kitchen where Alec was sitting, drinking a cup of coffee.

“Good morning Magnus! Did you sleep well?” Alec asked cheerfully, and Magnus winced internally.  


This was how it would always be. Alec, without a care in the world, always shining brightly all the while tearing Magnus’s heart wide open at the same time. 

“Yeah, it is very quiet here. I don’t think I’ve slept so well in my entire life.” Magnus smiled. 

It wasn’t all a lie, it indeed was very quiet last night. There were no sounds of cars honking, no sounds of traffic, and all he could hear were the soft sounds of crickets chirping and the occasional croak of a frog. It was very serene and very peaceful, and he wished he could have enjoyed it more.

“Mom’s out of medication so I have to run back in town to get it. Do you want to come with?” Alec got up and rinsed his cup out in the sink.

“Actually, I think I might be coming down with something, Alec. Since you’re going back in town I’ll just hitch a ride with you and take the bus home.”

Alec gave him a long look. “Are you sure?”

Magnus smiled as he averted his gaze. “Yeah, I don’t want to get you guys sick if I stay here all weekend.” 

“Okay then, if that’s what you want.”

Magnus felt his heart clench so hard that he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to scream at Alec. _No, I want you, can’t you see that? And I’ll never have you because you don’t want me!_

The ride back into town was silent. Magnus looked out the window the entire time. This was it. He had to leave his feelings for Alec. It was no use, throwing his heart at someone that didn’t feel the same way as him. There was no way Alec couldn’t know how he felt about him. _Then why didn’t the man make a move? Was Alec just toying with his feelings?_

Magnus knew that Alec could feel the tension in the air. _Then why didn’t he ask, why didn’t he talk?_ Magnus wanted to shake the younger man. Why won’t he say something? Anything! All he wanted was a sign!

Alec reached out to turn on the radio. As music softly filled the car, Magnus took in a deep breath. _Great_ , he asked for a sign and the sign came as a song by A Great Big World. Even the world was out to get him, he smiled bitterly to himself. Oh the irony of it all. 

Magnus tapped his fingers as he sang quietly under his breath. His last words to Alec, words that Alec would never understand. And he poured his heart out into those words, disguised as a song, all the while Alec continued to drive, unaware.

* * *

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: All That I’ve Got by The Used  
> Say Something by A Great Big World  
> It’s starting!! Gah! The heartbreak!! Let me know your thoughts and comments! I’ll love you forever!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tried his best to move on with his life until he receives a text message from Alec once again.

“Can I kiss you?”

Magnus stared at the blonde-haired boy in front of him. The boy had big innocent brown eyes and they were looking at him nervously. Magnus nodded, and his heart bloomed when the boy broke out into a big smile and threw his arms around him, pressing their lips together.

Benji was Magnus’s middle school classmate. He had found Magnus on Facebook and they had reconnected, hitting off instantly. Benji asked Magnus out to watch a movie, and Magnus truly enjoyed his company. While he walked Magnus back to his house, Benji had surprised him by confessing to him. Apparently, their movie outing was actually a date, and Magnus got taken by surprise at Benji’s forward confession. It was the first time someone told him they liked him, and Magnus was shaken to the core. So this was what it felt like to be wanted, to be loved.

And so Magnus focused on Benji, and on school. And Alec, well, Alec was pushed to the back of his mind, only making an appearance once in a while when he would hit a rough patch with Benji. And each time Alec came into his mind, he would feel so guilt-ridden.

**AL: It's been a while since we’ve talked, hun.**

Magnus stared at the text, his eyes zeroing on the term of endearment. _No, no that was not fair._ He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back the wave of emotions that were threatening to spill over. No, he couldn’t be feeling this way. It was wrong. It was so wrong because Magnus had a boyfriend now. And he shouldn't be texting Alec. But like always, because Alec’s grip on his heart never once released, Magnus was pulled right back.

**MB: How are you doing, gorgeous?**

**AL: Absolutely swamped with work. How about you, love?**

Magnus gripped his phone tightly, feeling guilty and disgusted at himself. _Just this once,_ he told himself. _Just this once and that was it. This would be the last time._

**MB: Same here, darling. I’ve missed you.**

**AL: Aw, I missed you too, hun.**

Magnus closed his eyes, unable to fight his emotions any longer. He couldn’t lie to himself. How could he? He had never stopped loving Alec, not even when Benji kissed him at his front doorstep and asked him to be his boyfriend.

**AL: Any plans for when you graduate? Can’t believe we have just one more year left.**

**MB: No plans, but you’ve probably got a whole bunch of jobs lined up for you already, right?**

**AL: Haha yeah, I’m excited. I’m also going to move into a house, finally!**

**MB: Nice! I’ll have to come to see it when it’s done!**

Of course, Alexander Lightwood, designer extraordinaire, moving into adulthood and buying his own house, while Magnus still lived in his parent's basement.

**AL: You will love it! There are lots of things that need to be fixed up but dad and I will do it together. It’s gonna look awesome!**

Magnus sighed. He and Alec would never work out. They were far too different. Alec was ambitious while Magnus quite frankly didn’t even know if he would ever find a job painting. He had to get over this silly crush. Alec would never be happy with him.

**AL: How about you, hun? What’s new and exciting in your life?**

Magnus hovered over the keypad, hesitant. This was it. He couldn’t do this any longer. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. And so Magnus typed, his hands shaking the entire time.

**MB: I got a boyfriend.**

Magnus stared at those 4 words on the screen after he hit send. That was it. There was no going back. This would be the end of his pretend charade with Alec. There would be no more terms of endearment coming from him anymore. Though it was all pretend anyway, it still felt real to Magnus. Because it was the closest thing he could ever get from Alec. And it was enough. It had to be. 

**AL: What a coincidence! I got a boyfriend too, been seeing him for a couple of months now.**

Magnus stared at the screen, his heart instantly seizing up. _No. No, no no no._ This was not happening right now. He closed his eyes. But what had he wanted? For him to tell Alec he got a boyfriend and then Alec would get jealous and realize he wanted Magnus? _Well that totally backfired now, didn’t it, Magnus?_ _Because right now you’re the one feeling like you want to die because Alec chose someone and that person is blatantly not you._

Magnus opened his mouth as he let out a silent cry of anguish.

* * *

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes/Got nowhere to run

The night goes on/As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life/I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Untitled by Simple Plan  
> All aboard the angst train! Thank you guys so much for reading!! Let me know your thoughts on this chapter!!!!!! <3 <3 <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus asks Alec to accompany him to his friend's Christmas Party. It is probably one of the worst decisions he has ever made in his entire life because his ex is at that party. And yes, Magnus Bane is using his best friend as a pretend date. But Alec doesn't know that.

**AL: How are you and your boyfriend?**

**MB: We broke up.**

**AL: Oh, sorry to hear that.**

**MB: It’s fine, how about you and your beau?**

**AL: Didn’t work out either.**

Magnus’s heart betrayed him by fluttering at Alec’s words. _No, Magnus. We’re not doing this again._ But there he was, pushing his finger on the green call button. Probably because he was a sadist, though he would never admit it.

“Why hello there!” Came Alec’s voice over the phone. Magnus closed his eyes at the familiar sound as his heart skipped a beat. God, he had missed it so much. He couldn't remember the last time he heard Alec's voice. 

“Alexander, I need a favour.” Magnus croaked out.

“Yes?” Alec sounded hesitant.

“My friends are hosting a Christmas party and they invited me and my, uh...ex. I promised I’d go to the party, but that was before I broke up with Benji. And now Benji is going to be there, and I really can’t go by myself. Alec, will you go with me, please?” Magnus let out a big breath, “Because you’re my best-est friend in the whole wide world?”

There was silence on the other line as Alec contemplated.

 _Please say yes, please say yes,_ Magnus prayed. He couldn't deal with the heartbreak of Alec saying no. 

“I'll think about it,” Alec responded after a moment.

“What's that supposed to mean? Alexander, you have to save me!!” Magnus whined.

“I said I’ll think about it.” And with that, Alec hung up, leaving Magnus to wonder what he had just done. 

But he knew exactly what he was doing. Because his breakup with Benji was messy. And he was planning to use Alec as a date to make his ex jealous. But Alec didn't need to know that. 

“You know, I get jealous too. I’m only human.” Benji said angrily over Skype.

Magnus frowned. “What is there to be jealous about?” Magnus rolled his eyes. But he knew. Deep down, he knew. 

“You keep talking about Alec!”

“That's because he’s my best friend!” Magnus felt heat rise to his cheeks. He wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment, guilt, or anger. 

“You’re always saying how Alec does this and how Alec does that. It’s like you want me to be jealous or something.” Benji said accusingly.

Magnus lost it. “Stop being so immature, Benji! I told you from the very beginning that Alec is a very important person to me.”

“I’m not the one being immature. You know what? I’m done.”

"So you can have friends but I can't? No, you don't get to do this to me, Benji!" Magnus's face contorted in anger. 

"It's not just that, Magnus. You're always too busy to make time for me and I don't think it'll work out between us anyway." 

Magnus fought back tears. _No, no, this was going all wrong._ “Sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!”

Magnus bit his lip. It was true, but Art school was tough. And he hated the fact that Benji couldn't understand that he was actually busy with projects. But he had to salvage this trainwreck that was happening right now. Because he didn't want to get dumped. He didn't want to admit to himself that Alec was part of the reason he was getting dumped right now.

And Magnus cried then."We can make it work, I'll make it work. I'll find more time to spend with you." He pleaded.

But it was too late. Magnus had been dumped. 

And he didn’t tell Raj about it until after he agreed to go to the Christmas party. And Raj had invited Benji without telling him.

“We’re not together anymore, Raj!” Magnus had exclaimed.

“You didn’t tell me!” Raj looked at him with widened eyes.

“Well, why did you invite him? Why didn’t you just ask me to invite him?” Magnus asked, flabbergasted.

“I just sent you guys Facebook invites. And he accepted. How would I know you guys weren’t together anymore!" Raj said in his defense.

“You promised me you would come, Magnus! You can’t back out on me now. It’s our yearly tradition, and you never miss out!” Raj pouted. “Your breakup wasn’t that bad, was it? I'm sure you guys can both be civil adults about it.”

And what could Magnus say to that? That yes it was bad because he was ashamed of himself, being the one who got dumped? 

And why would Benji say yes to the invite when he knew Magnus was invited too? Did he want to show how badly he had dumped Magnus? And so Magnus had grudgingly said he would go, to show Benji that he wasn’t hurt from the breakup. Nope, he would go and hold his head high. That was the plan. Until Alec had texted him.

And now he was using Alec to get back at Benji for breaking up with him. Magnus felt sick to his stomach. How did he end up like this? 

* * *

So get back, back, back to where we lasted

Just like I imagined/I could never feel this way.

So get back, back, back to the disaster.

My heart's beating faster./Holding on to feel the same.

* * *

Magnus waited patiently in the living room window. The sight of the familiar red 2 door hatchback made his breath hitch and he wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans. He pulled on his jacket and stepped out of the house, breathing in the chilly winter air.

“Hello, you.” Alec smiled as Magnus got in. His blue eyes were just as Magnus remembered, the intensity of it sending shivers down his spine. And that smile, that same smile that held so many emotions that Magnus could never decipher. Magnus took a deep breath as Alec started up the engine.

“Thanks for doing this with me, Alexander.”

Alec shrugged. "I had nothing else to do today anyway." And the casual way that Alec said it made Magnus feel just a bit disappointed. Right. Alec just saw him as a friend and nothing more. It was just a normal hang out, not a date. _It was not a date._ Magnus reminded himself. You are pretending that Alec is a date but in reality, nobody is dating here. 

Christmas carols played softly in the background as Magnus stared out the window, trying to reign in his emotions. He shouldn't be feeling this happy after a fresh breakup. But he was, and the guilt ate away at him. Suddenly, he felt pressure on his thigh and he quickly looked down, seeing Alec’s hand resting on his leg. His head snapped up to look at Alec, eyes widening. Alec’s eyes locked on his, seemingly startled as well.

“U-uh, can I have some gum?” Alec said quickly. Magnus just as quickly reached into his pockets for a pack of gum and popped a piece out onto Alec’s now upturned palm. His heart was racing and he could feel a blush creeping up his neck. 

“Thanks.” Alec smiled at him. And Magnus smiled back before tucking the gum back in his pocket, his heart pounding furiously in his chest. _What was that just now? Why had Alec seemed startled?_ Magnus found himself craving the heat of Alec’s hand on his thigh again, but the blue-eyed man kept both hands firmly on the wheel the rest of the way. 

When they arrived at Raj’s, everyone was there already. Alec and Magnus made their way to the dining room table where everyone was currently chatting and drinking. Magnus rolled his eyes internally as they all passed around coolers. He did not like to drink, but what he hated the most were his friends who pretended they could drink when all they drank were coolers. Benji was not an exception, and that was one of the biggest turn-offs Magnus had about him. He had always shamed Magnus for not drinking, before proceeding to act all cool and ‘manly’ when all Benji ever drank was watered down alcohol mixed with some sort of sickeningly sweet syrup. 

“Everyone, this is Alec. Alec, this is, everyone.” Magnus casually waved his hand as he sat down, his eyes landing on Benji’s.

“Alec, huh.” He heard Benji mutter under his breath. Alec shook hands with everyone around the table, and Magnus felt his heart bloom at how mature Alec presented himself as if he was meeting new clients. 

“Want a drink, Alec?” Benji asked, nodding to his cooler. His voice was laced with something Magnus couldn’t quite decipher.

Alec shot Benji a smile and shook his head. “No, thank you.” He replied as he took a seat beside Magnus.

Magnus felt his heart swell as Benji got shot down. Okay, maybe that was uncalled for. Benji was being civil and Magnus was being a complete ass. But the way Alec acted was more mature than Benji ever was, and Magnus wanted to show him off. Even if he had absolutely no right to because Alec was just a friend. Not a boyfriend. Not anything. Just a friend.

After dinner, people separated into different groups of conversation. Magnus sat down at Raj’s piano, running his hands along the smooth keys. It had been a long time since he played piano, and being in school and taken up so much of his time that he had forgotten how much music had meant to him.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Alec asked as he sat down beside him. Magnus scooted over so Alec could have more room, but the bench was quite small so Alec's thighs still touched Magnus's, and Magnus had to calm his breathing. 

“Thanks for being here with me,” Magnus said quietly, his eyes flickering over to Benji, who was standing in the kitchen talking animatedly with Raj. The man threw his head back and laughed, and Magnus felt angry. He got dumped and now Benji was with his friends, laughing as if nothing had happened. Magnus threw his arm around Alec’s shoulder. If Benji could be happy then he would show him how he was happier without him!

“You’re my best-est friend in the whole wide world, Alec,” Magnus said when Alec turned to him, taken by surprise by the sudden touch.

“I got you a present.” Magnus handed Alec a box. “Open it!”

Alec shook the box gently, his face curious. “‘But I didn’t get you anything.”

Magnus looked over at Benji, who was currently looking at them smugly.

“You being here means more to me than you will ever know.” _Because you being here makes me happy when I don't deserve happiness,_ Magnus thought bitterly to himself. Because not only did he want to make Benji jealous, he had wanted Alec to come so he could selfishly spend the entire day with him. Because he had missed this, missed how close they used to be. 

_Christmas Day_

**MB: Merry Christmas, babe.**

**AL: Merry Christmas to you as well, hun.**

And they were right back as if nothing ever happened. As if Benji never happened, as if Alec's boyfriend never happened. 

**MB: You know you mean a lot to me right? Thanks for always being there for me, and for cheering me up on my bad days.**

**AL: Awe, you mean a lot to me as well, Magnus!**

Magnus once again hovered over his keypad. The words I love you sat on his screen, waiting to be sent. He sighed, before deleting it and retyping.

**MB: Love you forever, baby. LOL!**

**AL: You are silly.**

Magnus bit his lip. He wanted Alec to say he loved him back, even if it was a joke. Because a joke would be better than this. But no, Alec wouldn’t joke about this with him, because Alec would never feel the same way he did. And yet, Magnus kept on falling, falling, and falling. 

* * *

I'm desperate for changing/Starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started/I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you/Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move/I'm hanging by a moment here with you

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: Memory by Sugarcult  
> Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse 
> 
> I promise there will be some fluffiness and some relief next Chapter!!!! This was a really hard chapter to write, but I hope you guys enjoyed it as well!! Let me know your thoughts, comments, your lovvvinng! <3 <3 <3 Thank you so much for reading!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec goes skating!!!

“Skating?”

Magnus knew how to skate, sort of. He wasn’t good at it, but at least he could make it around the rink without falling down and embarrassing himself. But that was about it.

But he hadn’t expected Alec to bring him to the man-made frozen lake at the park. Where there were no sideboards for him to grab on to in case he lost his balance. Nope, it was just Magnus against the open ice.

And there was a huge group of friends gathered there, all who could skate very well. And then there was Magnus. Right. _One foot in front of the other, Magnus._ _You can do this. You totally got this._ Nope, he totally didn't get it. The ice felt so different than what he was used to in the indoor skating rink. It was a lot smoother, and therefore more slippery. And there was nothing to hold on to. Nothing except for the tall, brown-haired, blue-eyed man standing right beside him.

And there Alec was, like the perfect gentleman, reaching his arm out to Magnus.

“Don't worry, I’ve got you.” Alec smiled, his eyes twinkling. Magnus looked at him, getting hopelessly lost in those blue eyes. 

And Alec had waved away his friends, telling them to enjoy themselves while he patiently stayed with Magnus until he was more comfortable on the ice. 

And then Alec had grabbed his gloved hand in his and pulled him slowly forward. And Magnus felt like he was in heaven because Alec was holding his hand. Alec. Was. Holding. His. Hand. _Omg_. 

“My hands are sweating in these gloves!” Alec exclaimed as he shook off his gloves and wiped them on the front of his jacket. “Do you want to take your gloves off?”

_Gloves, Magnus, not clothes. Gloves._

Magnus blushed because he couldn’t get his mind out of the gutter and for absolutely no valid reason at all it sounded like Alec was asking him if he wanted to take his clothes off.

“U-uh, yeah. Sure.” Magnus quickly stuffed his gloves into his pockets and they continued skating, side by side. Magnus would occasionally brush his hand into Alec's, but he was too shy to grab it. Because he couldn't think of a reason to hold his best friend's hand. Not when he was perfectly comfortable in his skates now and didn't require hand-holding anymore. 

“Want to go fast?” Alec suddenly turned to him, with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “Here, come on!”

Alec then grabbed his hand and started to speed up, dragging him behind. Magnus yelped in joy, feeling the rush of wind against his face, but most importantly, the feel of Alec’s warm hands holding his.

"Stop Alec, we're going too fast! We’re gonna crash!” Magnus suddenly exclaimed as Alec kept on picking up speed. He could feel himself start to lose balance and panic started to rise in his chest.

“Don't worry, we won't crash!" Alec laughed as he maintained the same speed.

But it was too fast, and Magnus tripped over his own skate, sending the two of them flying across the ice. Magnus felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his waist, twisting him around as he landed with a soft thud. It felt like slow motion, like something out of a movie. But no, that was silly.

“Ooof!” Alec exclaimed under him. Alec had broken their fall, protecting him from hitting the ice. Magnus blushed and his heart filled with warmth. Alec laughed underneath him, his voice ringing out beautifully. 

“This is no laughing matter, Alec! Are you ok?!" Magnus tried to untangle his limbs from Alec's, but Alec just wrapped his arms tighter around him as they laid together on the cold ice.

“Alec...” Magnus started, but Alec just stared at him, those blue eyes looking intensely at him. Magnus lost his breath, and it wasn't because of the fall.

They stayed like that for a moment, until Magnus was snapped back to reality. What if he was reading this all wrong? He looked down as Alec looked up at him with a quirked eyebrow. _Damn,_ Magnus couldn't tell what the brown-haired man was thinking. He chuckled nervously as he scrambled to get up, his cheeks turning pink. Thank goodness he could just blame it on the chilly air because best friends don’t blush around best friends.

“Hey, I heard they have this special Quebecois treat over there, it’s like frozen pure maple syrup. Want to go check it out?” Alec smiled as he helped Magnus up. And once again, Magnus was stuck in turmoil trying to figure Alec out while Alec just excitedly dragged him across the ice as if nothing happened just now.

Magnus gripped his popsicle stick so hard it almost snapped in half. They had walked to a Cabane A Sucre, also known as the sugar shack, where people were making maple taffy. Hot maple syrup was poured out into the snow, and Alec showed Magnus how to use a popsicle stick to roll the sugary treat up before it cooled. It was messy and sticky and oh so absolutely delicious. Magnus was excited, he loved maple syrup! He glanced up at Alec, who had already started to eat his before it melted. Magnus's eyes widened as Alec was staring at him while flicking his tongue out and licking his taffy. His face burned crimson as he quickly looked back down, pretending to focus on rolling his maple syrup. When he looked up again, Alec was still watching him intensely. This time, without breaking eye contact, Alec slowly sucked the caramel coloured treat into his mouth, and just as slowly pulled it back out from his lips with a pop. And Magnus’s brain went haywire.

“Hey, yours is dripping!” Someone said beside him, and Magnus snapped out of it and looked down at his maple taffy which was already starting to melt, making a mess into the snow below. His face burned even brighter as he realized just how ridiculous this whole scenario must have looked. With Alec holding his popsicle stick in between his lips, and Magnus, standing across from him, holding his stick up at an angle in a very very compromising position.

He quickly shoved the treat into his mouth and chomped down on it all in one go, because there was no way in hell he could enjoy licking the damn thing innocently now after Alec’s seductive showcase. His face was still burning as he discarded the popsicle stick into the nearest garbage bin.

“Wow, you ate that so fast. You must have really liked it huh?”

Magnus choked while Alec just quirked an eyebrow up at him. “Jeeze I told you not to eat it so fast. You okay?”

Magnus wanted to scream at Alec, _how could he be okay?!_ How could he stand there and do all _that,_ whatever _that_ was, then act as if nothing happened?!

“They’re going to start the bonfire soon you know?”

And there it was again. Alec acting as if nothing had happened, as he looked at Magnus, that same smile directed at him.

And so Magnus stood beside his best friend, as night soon descended upon them, and watched the crackling flame flicker in front of his eyes.

And once again, Alec was quiet as he watched the flames as well. Other couples around them embraced their partners as they slowly watched the fire dance. Magnus yearned for Alec to brush up against him, to make a move. After what Alec did this morning, wouldn’t it just make sense to take that last step?

But Alec, alas was Alec. And maybe Magnus was indeed just reading into it all wrong. Just like he did the last time they were standing by a fire at Alec’s summer house. And those memories hit Magnus like a freight train as he chanced a glance over at the tall, dark-haired man. Alec’s features were peaceful as he smiled into the fire, seemingly content. Alec would always be content, even if Magnus wasn’t there. Because Alec would always be content without him. Magnus sighed as tears started to prickle his eyes. _It was just the smoke_ , he told himself.

But if this was the only time Magnus could stand so close to Alec like this, he would take it. While the stars shined brightly overtop of them, and the flames cast shadows around them, Magnus could be content. To stand beside the man he loved, if only as just a friend, it was still better than nothing.

* * *

We may only have tonight

But till the morning sun you're mine all mine

Play the music low and sway to the Rhythm of Love

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Rhythm Of Love by Plain White T's
> 
> Some fluffiness for everyone today!! <3 <3 This chapter was an absolute blast to write!~ Let me know your thoughts and comments! Love you all! <3 <3 <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited Alec's point of view!

“Hello, Alexander.”

“Magnus, what a surprise!”

“Sorry for calling you, did I catch you at a bad time?’ Magnus asked hesitantly.

“No, no not at all! I’m just building a bed!”

Magnus’s brain short-circuited. Alec's voice saying the word 'bed' should not make him feel the way he did. “O-oh, that’s nice. What was wrong with your old one?”

“Oh, it's time to retire that old thing. Lee is moving in so we need a bigger bed.”

Magnus sucked in a breath. Right. Alec had a boyfriend. And this one seemed quite serious. Magnus tried to keep his voice steady but it still came out strained.

“O-oh, that’s nice! How is Lee?”

“Good! Once this bed is done, he’ll move in and everything will be good. But as of right now, the house is a complete mess!” Alec chuckled happily.

Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose. He felt the telltale creep of pain starting up in his chest and the prickling in his eyes. Alec sounded so happy. “That's exciting, Alexander. I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Thanks, Magnus! Talk to you later!” Alec chirped cheerfully into the phone. 

* * *

Did you think that I would cry,/On the phone?

Do you know what it feels like/Being alone?

I'll find someone new

Swing, swing from the tangles of

My heart is crushed by a former love.

Can you help me find a way/To carry on again?

* * *

**AL: When are you getting married?**

**MB: When are YOU getting married?**

**AL: Soon! I just asked Lee to marry me.**

Magnus thought that after all these years, this wouldn’t come as a surprise to him. But his breath was still knocked out of him as he read and reread Alec’s text message.

**MB: Congratulations, Alec. All the best to you and Lee.**

**AL: Thanks, Magnus. Will you be my best man? We haven’t planned a wedding date yet, but it’ll probably be in two year’s time!**

**MB: I’ll think about it. ;)**

Magnus sank down onto his bed. It was over. It was finally over. The inevitable had dawned upon them. 

Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. Magnus stopped texting Alec. He threw himself into work, pushing all thoughts of the blue-eyed man away.

The invitation in the mail came a year later, and Magnus couldn’t bring himself to throw it away. It sat, staring at him, the conjoined cursive names mocking at him.

* * *

Waking up/From this nightmare

How's you're life/What's it like there

Is it all/That you want it to be

Does it hurt/When you think about me

And how broken my heart is

* * *

Alec couldn’t get ahold of Magnus. His texts went unanswered, and his calls went straight to voicemail. But deep down inside, Alec knew Magnus was purposely avoiding him. _What had he been thinking, asking Magnus to be his best man?_

Alec thought back to the day he had given Magnus that heart-shaped box of chocolates. He had seen it at the store, thinking he would treat himself. But then Magnus had given him those puppy dog eyes and he couldn’t resist. Because, how could he? When those hazel eyes looked at him as if he hung the moon? And so then he had to figure out how to give his best friend a box of heart-shaped chocolates without him knowing that he was nervous as hell. Because friends don't get nervous gifting chocolates to their best friends. 

And so Alec gave a lame excuse about having somewhere to go before practically throwing the box at Magnus and running away.

But then Magnus had called him darling, and he had lost it completely.

Magnus was shy in person but he was a huge flirt in text messages. Every term of endearment he sent Alec sent shivers down his spine. And Alec lived for it. He craved it like a man seeing water for the first time in a dessert.

Then came the time when he stupidly asked Magnus if he wanted a massage, leading him to run his hands over Magnus’s lean frame. And then he had practically shoved his hands under Magnus's shirt without permission, just because he couldn’t control the fire that coursed through his veins, and the urge to feel Magnus’s skin beneath his hands. And Magnus let him, because Magnus had a heart of gold, and he abused it by taking advantage of him. Alec felt bile rise up in his throat at the memory.

And so he thought he would make it up to Magnus by inviting him over to spend time with his family. Surely, Magnus would know what that meant, right? But then Magnus had freaked out at the sight of everyone and holed himself up in his room. And Alec felt dejected. He had once again screwed everything up.

Because Magnus wouldn’t want him. And he had to find a way to forget about those brown eyes that glinted gold in the sunlight. So he dated. But he still couldn’t forget about Magnus. The terms of endearment that came from the lips of the men he dated didn’t make him feel the way Magnus made him feel. And so when Magnus told him he had a boyfriend too, Alec felt sick to his stomach. But the inevitable had happened. Magnus was bound to find someone to call his own, and Alec would be left behind. Alec broke up with that boyfriend not long after. But he didn’t tell Magnus. Not until Magnus told him that he was single as well. And then his heart rejoiced.

When Magnus got in the car, dressed in that adorable Christmas sweater, Alec couldn’t control himself again. His hand wandered down and pressed against the older man’s thigh. He had made up so many scenarios in his head on how he would gently touch Magnus, how Magnus would look up at him shyly, and then he would lean in and kiss him into oblivion. So he was taken by surprise when Magnus’s head shot up and looked at him, brown eyes piercing deep into his soul. And it hit him at that moment, that no, he could not let Magnus see those treacherous thoughts he had in his mind. Magnus was his best friend, and he couldn't ruin what they had. And so he coughed up a lame excuse about gum, just so Magnus would not get suspicious.

Alec knew Magnus was using him just to get back on his ex. But he didn’t mind, not when he was also using Magnus for his own pleasure. Magnus had clung to him all night at the party, dropping featherlight touched here and there, wrapping his arm around his shoulders, touching his arm seductively. And Alec gobbled it all up. He knew it was all just for show, but if he couldn’t have Magnus, well, it was better than nothing even if it was all just pretend.

Then they went skating. And Alec knew Magnus wouldn’t be comfortable on open ice, so he used that knowledge to devise a plan to hold Magnus’s hand. And it had by some miracle worked. And Alec was so overjoyed that he lost control and ended up pulling Magnus down onto the ice with him. But then Magnus had hurriedly scrambled off off him, and his heart sank. Then he had the brilliant idea of getting Magnus to enjoy maple taffy with him. Maybe they would share one, and it would be like indirectly kissing. But then Magnus had shoved Alec aside, demanding that he would pay, and proceeded to buy two tickets, much to Alec’s dismay. But that was okay because there were other ways to have fun, right? So he deliberately ate his taffy in a not so appropriate manner while giving his best friend the sexy eyes. It was all for fun! Until Magnus shot him a look of pure horror and Alec knew he had royally screwed up. Magnus was completely mortified and possibly disgusted by his childish actions. And so Alec tucked his tail between his legs, ashamed that he had used his best friend like this. And he knew, while looking into the fire, that this was the closest to Magnus he was ever going to get. Because Magnus would be happier without him. And so he threw his emotions into the fire and watched it burn.

Alec met Lee on a morning run. They had lots in common, and soon, Alec decided he was who he wanted in a partner. The blonde-haired man with gorgeous sea-green eyes made Alec forget. Alec could finally move on with his life. And when Lee broke into tears and said yes when he asked him to marry him, Alec felt like he was doing the right thing.

Then how come, as he was standing in the bedroom, trying to call Magnus for the hundredth time, did it all seem so wrong?

“Alec.”

Alec almost dropped the phone. He stood, stunned.

“Alexander?” Magnus's voice, as smooth as honey, flowed through the phone. It still sent shivers down alec’s spine, even though it had been slightly more than a year since he had heard from the Asian man.

“Magnus.” He croaked out, then coughed. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“Yes, Magnus?” He finally asked.

“You were the one who called, Alexander.”

“Oh, yes, that’s right.” Alec flushed. His breathing grew ragged. The way Magnus said his name still affected him to this day. And Alec had a fleeting thought that nobody would ever be able to say his name the way Magnus did.

“You never gave us a reply regarding the invitation.” Alec swallowed thickly, ignoring the thought.

_Right,_ Magnus thought. _Us._ As in Alec and his soon to be husband. _Invitation,_ as in the wedding of Alec and his soon to be husband. Magnus opened his mouth and closed it again. He couldn’t do it. No. He couldn’t bear to see the man he loved in the arms of another.

“I’m sorry, Alec. I won’t be in town. There’s a very important meeting that I absolutely cannot miss. As much as I want to see you and Lee on your special day, I hope you understand.” Magnus fought down the tears behind his eyes as he choked out his words. His hands were shaking and he pulled them tightly into fists.

There was silence on the other line. A silence that seemed to drag on forever.

“I understand, Magnus. I’m sorry you won’t be there.” Alec felt conflicted. He could swear Magnus’s voice seemed pained. And it made Alec’s heart clench painfully in his chest.

“Goodbye, Alexander.” Magnus’s voice cracked one last time before he quickly hung up the phone.

Alec heard it clearly then. The strain in Magnus’s voice. Alec fell to his knees. What if he had been wrong this entire time? But why didn’t Magnus ever make a move? Why didn’t he say anything?

Magnus put down the phone and put on his headphones. He laid down on his bed as tears streamed down his face.

* * *

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other/You'll always be my thunder

So bring on the rain/Oh baby bring on the pain

And listen to the thunder

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: Swing Swing by All American Rejects   
> Empty Apartment by Yellowcard  
> Thunder by BoysLikeGirls 
> 
> How did you guys like this?!!! One more chapter left!!! One last pull at your heartstrings before the ending!~ Let me know your thoughts and comments! <3 <3 <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The FINALE!!! Will these two star-crossed idiots finally get together?!

It was a week before his wedding. Alec felt sick to his stomach. And Lee had noticed.

“What’s wrong baby?”

Alec shook his head. No, Lee was everything he ever wanted. Lee loved him furiously, and was understanding and caring. He couldn’t hurt Lee like this.

“Are you having second thoughts?” Lee asked, his face crestfallen.

“No, no I’m not. I’m just nervous.” Alec smiled as he embraced his Fiancé.

“I love you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood.”

Alec froze. He froze because suddenly his mind conjured up the face of an Asian man with chocolate brown eyes, looking up at him, calling him Alexander. And his breath hitched in his chest. His head swam and he fell to his knees, gasping. The sound of Lee, crying out for him sounded so far away.

“Alec? Are you okay? Alec?”

Alec opened his eyes. Lee was there, looking concerned. Alec closed his eyes. What had he done?

“I-I’m sorry, Lee. I have to go. I need to figure this out on my own.”

Lee pursed his lips, and his eyes were on the verge of tears. “There’s someone else, isn’t there?” He asked quietly.

Alec looked away. “I - Oh god, Lee. What have I done?” He put his head in his hands.

“Go, Alec. But if you leave, I won’t be here when you get back.”

Alec lifted his head from his hands. “No, No. I can’t lose you too.”

Lee sighed. “I’ve always thought there was someone else, Alec. And I know you meant it when you said you loved me. But there’s obviously someone else that you can’t let go of. And I’m sorry, but that’s not fair to me. When you leave that door I know you won’t be coming back.”

Alec looked at the door then back at his Fiancé. He was on the verge of a panic attack and he was unsure of what to do. Could he risk his entire future, just on his own assumption that Magnus maybe, just maybe liked him back? And what if Magnus didn't? But if Magnus didn't like him back, why did he sound so heartbroken over the phone? 

“Go, Alec. I need to be alone right now.” Lee stated, his gaze turned downwards. 

Alec scrambled to his feet. “I’m sorry, Lee. I’m so sorry.” He wiped his tears as he ran out of the house and started up the car. He drove towards Magnus’s house, praying that Magnus was still there.

* * *

Instead of holding you, I was holding out.

I should've let you in, but I let you down.

You were the first to give, I was the first to ask.

Now I'm in second place, to get a second chance.

* * *

Alec slammed his finger onto the power button, turning the radio off. He didn’t know how he made it but soon he found himself knocking on Magnus’s door. There was no answer and he continued to ring the doorbell. He cursed. _Come on, Magnus, please, please, please, open up!_

Magnus blinked, feeling groggy as he heard the pounding on his door. He ignored it, thinking it was probably some door to door salesmen. Until a voice made him freeze.

“Magnus, if you’re in there, please open up!” Alec cried through the door.

Magnus shot out of bed. What was Alec doing here?

Suddenly Magnus’s cell phone rang loudly. The caller ID showed that it was Alec calling. Magnus quickly turned it off.

“Magnus, I just heard your phone ring. I know you’re in there. Open up! Please!” Alec shouted through the door.

There were more pounding and more ringing, and Magnus hid back under his covers, squeezing his eyes tight.

“Magnus, dear? Your friend is looking for you, Adam was it? Dear, are you okay in there?” His mother’s voice called out, and he groaned.

Magnus grudgingly got up and flung the door open to a concerned mother and a tall brown-haired blue-eyed man.

“Come in,” Magnus stated, his face void of any emotion as he turned and walked back into the room.

Alec thanked Magnus’s mother with a sheepish smile before closing the door and stepping into Magnus’s room. 

“And what can I do for you today, Alec?” Magnus said, his back still turned towards the taller man.

“Magnus,” Alec swallowed. “It’s been a while.”

“What do you want, Alec?” Magnus turned, his eyes swollen and red.

Alec took in the man standing in front of him. His best friend, whom he had not seen in a year. A hint of stubble lined the Asian man’s jaw, making him look much more mature than when Alec had first met him. Black eyeliner lined those mesmerizing hazel-gold eyes, and Alec couldn’t tear his eyes away. Magnus had also gotten some new piercings, one on his eyebrow and a silver cuff on the cartilage of his ear. Alec swallowed dryly. Even to this day, the sight of Magnus Bane took his breath away like no one else ever could.

Magnus watched as Alec’s azure blue eyes stared at him. Alec Lightwood, his best friend, standing in front of him still looking like a Greek God. Tall, dark, handsome, and more muscular than he last remembered. But there was something in those eyes. They held a sense of shyness, a sense of insecurity, yet his body alluded confidence. It made him look young, just like how Magnus remembered him last.

“M-Magnus-“ Alec breathed. And Magnus winced. Just hearing Alec's voice was so, so painful. 

“I believe congratulations are in order, Alec. To you and your future husband. I do hope you will enjoy eternal happiness together because you’re my best friend and you deserve nothing less.” Magnus said, his voice coming out more bitter than he had wanted.

“Is this what you want, Magnus?” Alec stepped forward. He reached his arms out, but then stopped. What was he trying to do? To embrace his best friend into his arms? That’s right. Magnus still saw him as a best friend and nothing more. But Magnus’s eyes, they seemed to hold so much pain. The same pain that mirrored what he was feeling right now.

“What I want doesn’t matter, Alec.” Magnus’s eyes hardened. “What do you want from me? Why are you here, Alec?”

 _To hear you call me by my full name just once more,_ Alec thought. “I need to know, Magnus.” Alec took a deep breath. “I need to know what I mean to you.”

Magnus froze. This was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for. The moment for him to confess to Alec. The moment that haunted his dreams every night, where he would confess his undying love for Alec, and Alec would swoop in and kiss him into oblivion. But this wasn’t a dream. This was reality. And so, Magnus spoke, his voice unwavering.

“You’re my best friend.”

Alec looked into Magnus’s eyes. No, that was a lie. He searched those hazel orbs, looking for a sign, any sign, that Magnus did not see him as just a friend.

“Is that so, Magnus?” He asked quietly, his voice almost pleading.

“Yes, Alec.”

And so Alec slumped his shoulders, defeated. He turned on his heels, and that’s when he caught sight of the red box lying on the table. He frowned, moving towards it. _It was the heart-shaped chocolate box that he had given Magnus all those years ago!_ His heart skipped a beat. Magnus had kept that silly old thing? He reached out for it just as he felt Magnus lunge forward.

Alec, bless his long arms, snatched the box before Magnus could get at it.

“No!” Magnus cried out as he tried to grab the box back from Alec. But Alec held it high above his head, curse his long, muscular arms!

“What is this, Magnus?” Alec asked as the shorter man failed to reach for it.

“Give it back, Alexander. Now!” Magnus jumped and clawed at Alec, but Alec wrestled with him until he pried the box open.

A confetti of photographs spilled out from the box, and Magnus scrambled to hide them up, stuffing them into his shirt. But Alec had seen it all. There were Polaroids of them together, some single shots of Alec, and screenshots of text messages he had sent to Magnus throughout the years.

“GET OUT!” Magnus screamed, his face red with anger, pain, and embarrassment.

“Is that really what you want me to do, Magnus?” Alec said softly, his eyes looking at Magnus, who was sitting defeated on the floor with the photographs fanned out around him.

“Yes,” Magnus said quietly as he looked down. The tears were coming. It was over. He had lost his best friend.

“But what if I don’t want to leave?” Alec whispered as he bent down to pick up the photographs.

“Alec,” Magnus's voice broke, “stop it.”

“I'll leave. I’ll leave if you look me in the eyes and tell me to leave.” Alec said firmly. He grabbed Magnus’s chin and tilted it up so that Magnus’s eyes were now locked on his.

Magnus opened his mouth. “Lea-"

And Alec pressed his lips against his best friend.

Magnus’s eyes widened In shock as he felt soft lips against his. Alec was... _kissing_ him? No. No this wasn’t happening. No, it couldn’t happen! Alec was a betrothed man! Magnus pushed Alec back.

But Alec leaned in harder. He wrapped his arm around Magnus and threw his body weight against the older man, pinning him against the carpeted floor. His lips never stopped moving against Magnus’s.

Magnus gasped as he fell backward, and Alec took the opportunity to slip his tongue between his parted lips. And that was it. Alec’s tongue lit a fire that engulfed his entire being, and Magnus could not reign in his emotions any longer. The dam broke, and Magnus was kissing back furiously. 

Alec slid his hands under Magnus’s shirt, and the man shivered. Alec caressed Magnus’s bare back, causing the Asian man to arch into his touch, and Alec growled low in his throat. 

“Alec, stop, no, we can’t.” Magnus gasped. With his entire strength, he pushed Alec off.

“I broke off the wedding,” Alec said as Magnus pushed him away. Magnus’s eyes widened. “I couldn’t do it. Not when the person I want is right here.”

Magnus swallowed, his eyes never leaving Alec’s.

“I never saw you as a best friend, Magnus,” Alec reached out and caressed Magnus’s jawline gently. “Because I've been in love with you since I met you.”

Magnus continued to stare, dumbfounded. _Was this really happening right now?_

“And don’t tell me you don’t feel the same way I do, Magnus. Because I know you do.” Alec’s eyes stared right at Magnus’s, steady and unwavering.

Magnus opened his mouth but no words came out.

And Alec once again leaned in and laid gentle assault on his lips. This time, it was slow and calculated. Alec tugged lightly on his bottom lip, sucking it into his. And Magnus let out an audible whimper. Alec pulled back, just enough to whisper, “I love you so much, hun.”

And Magnus pushed forward, pressing his lips against the man he loved. He captured Alec’s lips in his, savouring the moment. It was the moment he had dreamt of ever since he had met this man. He kissed as if his entire life depended on it, he kissed like never before, because he had never before loved anyone as much as he loved Alec.

And when they parted and Magnus whispered, “I love you, Alexander,” and Alec gave him that smile. The smile that made his eyes crinkle. And Magnus finally understood what it meant.

* * *

So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you

Well maybe two is better than one

There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two, is better than one

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story meant so much to me, and I am so sad that it is the end!! Thank you guys so much for reading this, for sharing your thoughts with me, and for all your continuous support and love!! I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I loved writing it! <3 <3 <3


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